what? im working...

waiting for class...pretending to be as efficient with my time as everyone else in here, but honestly i just dont want to.

grab your umbrella

:) (<---that'll be funny later)

it's been rough lately.

i mean nothings more true than, "when it rains, it pours;" it seems as if everything is crashing down at once. i just don't necessarily know how to control life right now, usually i deal with things by internalizing them and dealing however best fit at the time. and i don't do this because there's no one i could console in, honestly i hate seeing the pity in peoples eyes; and half the time they only "feel bad" because they think they should; and what can they do for me that i can't on my own? i always try to be strong for the people around me, because i know i can handle it...get over it...but it just feels different recently. no one will just let me be, and because they know somethings bothering me instead of letting me live behind a smile covered curtain; everyone insists on "helping". the tipping point was the recent death in the family, i haven't; cried, reminisced...addressed it in the slightest; i know i Am sad but i don't Feel it; and it's made me start to think if i even feel anymore. i've unintentionally desensitized my life in order to Be "happy". i even find myself not wishing to attend the funeral solely from fear, fearing the pain and sadness to follow; fearing not knowing to what degree it will come. not that this is some depressing, "i see no sunlight in the world," statement; i have things to be happy about but im just tired; of being sad, lost, comforting, taken for granted; tired of being tired. ironically enough i don't sleep anymore, i can't even remember what it feels like to lie down before 3 a.m. living the glamorous life of caffeine with a side of free pizza. one up side is the amount of cds i've acquired; some girls get their hair done, or find a recyclable male to feel good about themselves; i purchase slivers of emotion. is this a problem? ...probably (minimum wage life)... but next to being and drug addict or reckless sloot with "daddy issues", i would view it as a very responsible decision. listening to someone say all the things im thinking mimics uncensored human interaction --- mimics --- but even if it  is falsified... that's all i want.

i don't need my thoughts to make sense, they rarely do, i just need them to do something. 

ja feel? <----it's a joke cause it's asking if you (the reader---tiny voice in head) understand by asking if you Feel. but if you do Feel you probably don't understand so it almost a trick

 ... i laughed. 

Hey Progress

ill take one...

Well done Bradley Cooper, just when I thought all attractive-ness for you had been achieved... I saw American Hustle. Perms and deep collars lined in gold have never looked so good, can the world please go back to this fashion. 

No Shame.

(p.s honorable mention to the actual movie... it was incredible)

---

I don't have time to feel.

No Senior I Feel For You

Senorita by Justin Timberlake will forever be my guilty pleasure listen... I mean who could resist not only khakis, but a coordinating arm bands!? 

Charlie Boy

Charles Bark-ley (it's a pun)

So recent news... my best friend, and dog, Charlie was diagnosed with metastasised cancer in his lungs, stomach, and splean. With all that said today is my last full day to spend with him before he uh... "goes to sleep" tomorrow morning, it's been a really rough time dealing with this. I love my boy Charles to death and he's always been there for me... bright eyed, obnoxious, needy, crazy, hyper, distructive..... perfect. But now that I'm trying to accept that it's going to happen, I couldn't help but laugh as Best Day Of My Life came on the radio while heading home to see him. This entire morning had been spent thinking about him no longer being in my life and although the out of control laughter was probably me coping with sadness... somethings freeing about being about to accept this moment is not the best day of my life, and is in fact approching one of the worst. I'm choosing to appreciate the movie like moment rather than ball my eyes out. I mean that's what they say comedy is all about timing, and man is my life hilarious. . . . . 

....

I love you Charlie, you are a perfect dog and are always here to protect me, I'm just sorry I couldn't protect you. Have fun smelling every mailbox and barking at the wind in doggy heaven. 

Happy New Year!

So It's 2014?

So I usually don't set new year resolutions. I feel like if something needs to be changed in my life I should be able to do so without using a date as an excuse --- but this year I found myself thinking of possibilities. After reflecting on 2013 my new years promise is to be happy in 2014. This year I'm going to do more of what make me happy and try to appriciate everyday and the beauty in the little things life brings. With this I got a Ball jar and some notecards and I'm trying to write down a good thing that happeneds everyday --- or even things that taught me a lesson or brought feeling. I know everyday --- 365 notes --- is a lot of dedication. But any amount is greater than if I never attempted at all.

*more music*more art*more laughter*more love*more risks*

more living

(and to give more kisses to adorable Molly)