:) (<---that'll be funny later)
it's been rough lately.
i mean nothings more true than, "when it rains, it pours;" it seems as if everything is crashing down at once. i just don't necessarily know how to control life right now, usually i deal with things by internalizing them and dealing however best fit at the time. and i don't do this because there's no one i could console in, honestly i hate seeing the pity in peoples eyes; and half the time they only "feel bad" because they think they should; and what can they do for me that i can't on my own? i always try to be strong for the people around me, because i know i can handle it...get over it...but it just feels different recently. no one will just let me be, and because they know somethings bothering me instead of letting me live behind a smile covered curtain; everyone insists on "helping". the tipping point was the recent death in the family, i haven't; cried, reminisced...addressed it in the slightest; i know i Am sad but i don't Feel it; and it's made me start to think if i even feel anymore. i've unintentionally desensitized my life in order to Be "happy". i even find myself not wishing to attend the funeral solely from fear, fearing the pain and sadness to follow; fearing not knowing to what degree it will come. not that this is some depressing, "i see no sunlight in the world," statement; i have things to be happy about but im just tired; of being sad, lost, comforting, taken for granted; tired of being tired. ironically enough i don't sleep anymore, i can't even remember what it feels like to lie down before 3 a.m. living the glamorous life of caffeine with a side of free pizza. one up side is the amount of cds i've acquired; some girls get their hair done, or find a recyclable male to feel good about themselves; i purchase slivers of emotion. is this a problem? ...probably (minimum wage life)... but next to being and drug addict or reckless sloot with "daddy issues", i would view it as a very responsible decision. listening to someone say all the things im thinking mimics uncensored human interaction --- mimics --- but even if it is falsified... that's all i want.
i don't need my thoughts to make sense, they rarely do, i just need them to do something.
ja feel? <----it's a joke cause it's asking if you (the reader---tiny voice in head) understand by asking if you Feel. but if you do Feel you probably don't understand so it almost a trick
... i laughed.
Hey Progress
No comments:
Post a Comment